


Lies and Smiles

by paulsonwondcr



Category: American Horror Story, American Horror Story: Coven
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Depression, Drama, F/F, Hurt, Love, Mental Illness, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-09 01:57:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12266556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paulsonwondcr/pseuds/paulsonwondcr
Summary: Cordelia Goode has had a difficult life after all. But she didn't thought the marriage with Hank, her own mother and even the Coven would have such a huge impact on her negative life choices. But what if nobody notices and Cordelia sinks deeper and deeper into her own misery? [post Seven Wonders, established Foxxay, Misty is alive, massive trigger warning for various mental illnesses & not all are in the tags because it’d spoil.]





	1. Chapter 1

_Sometimes it’s screaming and crying and smashing plates._  
_Sometimes it’s numbness and quiet and “oh god why am I not dead?”._  
_And sometimes it’s getting up anyways and staying alive, even if you don’t want to._

—-

It was just one of those days again. One of those days were everything seemed to fail. It started this morning when she had accidentally overslept and ran late for class. It was even worse when you’re the teacher. And it was not like her students had a high opinion of their headmistress anyway. She knew she had power, for God’s sake she was the Supreme after all. But nonetheless using that power for her own matters would just make her another Fiona.

The day went officially down when she poisoned the plant she’s been working on for weeks now. The headmistress put all her free time into growing this certain plant and it meant a lot to her because it was for the person who meant the world to her. And now she ruined that too. She’s been trying to revive the red dianthus caryophyllus for three hours now. Maybe her mother was right, maybe she indeed was useless.  
The blonde was still staying in front of the table, staring at the now wilted plants. Letting flowers grow, especially flowers such as carnations, was so simple and yet she failed it. She clenched her fists and her fingernails dug into her skin. Anger was rising within herself. The headmistress was beyond angry. Angry that she was late for class this morning. Angry that she ruined the flowers for her lover. Angry that the girls of the academy were mocking her constantly. Angry that she married a witch hunter. Angry that her mother treated her the way she did. But mostly she was just bloody angry at herself.

The witch bit her lower lip and hit the tabletop several times with her fists, causing her knuckles to turn red. Hot tears were streaming down her cold cheeks and she could feel her sight getting blurry due to her crying. It was just too much. Everything was too much. With a loud bang she threw the vase and the plants against the floor. The walnut coloured vase shattered into a million pieces just the second as it hit the floor and those million pieces spread all over the place. On the contrary, the once beautiful red carnations were laying next to each other, just some broken off petals were laying scattered next to them.

Meanwhile the blonde was not moving again, one of her knuckles on her right hand turned blood red from a small cut. She accidentally hurt herself while hitting the vase earlier. Tears were still flushing down her cheeks. She didn’t mind the really small amount of blood on her hand or the pain caused by kicking the table. In fact the pain felt like something, something she’s been longing for.. for a while. It felt like it was really there. Like something she didn’t just made up like the optimism and happiness when facing her students or council members. No. This pain was real. Her mind didn’t just made it up. And it felt so good to feel something again. The pain felt fantastic. The witch needed to feel more of that.

“‘Delia?!” a familiar voice was filling the greenhouse. This voice wasn’t inside yet but she clearly heard it. Within the next seconds the headmistress used her telekinesis to remove the rubbish she’s been creating in those past few minutes. Cordelia wiped away her tears and cleared her throat to make sure the other witch wouldn’t suspect anything.

“I’ve been waitin’ for ya since forever,” a curly blonde witch entered the greenhouse. She was dressed quite colourful, wearing a scarf, some feather earrings and lots of bracelets and necklaces. Compared to Cordelia, who was wearing a simple blouse with a floral pattern and a black collar, a black circle skirt and wedge heels, she looked a lot less formal.

The headmistress looked at the younger witch in confusion. Not quite understanding what she was referring to. “Ya have an idea what time of the day it is?” Misty looked at her, “everyone, except the two of us, is peacefully sleepin’. Would ya come ta bed with me, ‘Delia?”

She must have forgotten the time. The Supreme didn’t even realise that hours have passed since she threw this vase at the ground and yet she was still staying in the exact same spot. Her knuckles returned to her natural skin colour and this one certain knuckle was marked by a small red line. Cordelia remained silent for a while until she decided to speak up, “oh.. I’m.. I’m sorry. I really am, Misty. I was so into that.. into that.. that.. project.. yeah, I was so into that project I’ve been working on for ages now.. and I.. uhm.. and I got really distracted.. by that project. And because I got so distracted by that project I didn’t realise it was that late already. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, honey.. let’s just go ta bed,” the swamp witch suggested and reached for her girlfriend’s hand. She didn’t believe a word her partner said but was certainly too tired to fight about this right now. Instead she was just happy when Cordelia took her hand.

“Alright, let’s go,” the older one smiled and tried to not think about this ruined day anymore. Hand in hand they walked into the huge building of Miss Robichaux’s again, trying to be as quiet as possible as everyone else seemed to be asleep. And Misty was right, it was already deep in the night. The stairs decided to squeak now and then and even their bedroom door couldn’t remain silent. It was like the house wanted everyone to know someone was still awake. Their bedroom was enormous. They shared a king sized four poster bed and even had their own dressing room and bathroom. But what Cordelia loved most about their room, despite sharing it with her love, was that they had their very own heater. The couple loved snuggling in front of the fire on their loveseat or just holding each other close on their bed. All in all they loved their intimacy.

“You ‘kay?” Misty asked, changing into her nightgown while she didn’t stop to look at Cordelia, who was also changing into her nightgown but with her back turned to the other one.

When the Supreme was ready with getting dressed for bed, she turned around, facing her lover, “mhm.. just really tired.” Within the next seconds she laid down and covered her body with a blanket. The blonde really didn’t feel in the mood for talking. Misty laid down next to her right after she did and turned on her side, trying to get physically closer. But the blonde also didn’t feel in the mood for body contact and so she decided to just turn around, “goodnight.”

“Goodnight, sleep well, ‘Dee,” the Cajun mumbled and turned off the lights with her telekinesis. She was way too tired to think about her girlfriend’s behaviour right now. She would, just not tonight. The curly blonde closed her eyes and drifted into sleep just a few minutes later.

On the meantime Cordelia was still wide awake. The moonlight was filling up the room and although she couldn’t see the sky she knew one couldn’t see a single star. The rain was just pouring against the window pane. All the headmistress could think about was the pain she felt earlier. It did something to her. It sort of aroused something deep within her. A desire to put the pain from her insides to the outside.


	2. Chapter 2

Hours passed by and Cordelia didn't seem to fall asleep at all. She was tired, oh how tired she was. But the blonde knew it was a kind of tiredness sleep wouldn't cure. Nothing could cure it. She locked her fingers with Misty's and held her lover's hand close to her own chest. The Cajun was sleeping peacefully for hours now and hadn't had a clue about her girlfriend's struggle. Cordelia watched her own chest going up and down while breathing, trying to rather focus on her calm breath instead of driving further into her deep thoughts.

Sleep deprivation, maybe even insomnia at this point, was nothing unfamiliar to the Supreme. Radiant health was one of the side effects of being the Supreme witch. Cordelia quickly noticed it was physical health they were talking about, otherwise she wouldn't feel how she feels right now. She was supposed to be happy, everyone expected her to be happy. In fact the blonde had every reason to be happy. She was the reigning Supreme of this Coven in its heyday, the academy accommodated more girls than ever, no more witch hunters, she had a loyal council, and she had her loving girlfriend, she even got her sight and fertility back. And still she was so unhappy. It was her past that haunted Cordelia.

The next morning, the blonde opened her eyes and gazed at the rays of sunshine lighting up their bedroom. It was nothing rare that she woke up before her alarm went off. For a few more minutes she was just laying on her bed, asking herself why she was doing all of this anymore.

Approximately one hour later the headmistress was ready for her daily morning gathering. She wore some black dress pants and a white blouse with lots of black butterflies on it. Today Cordelia decided to wear her hair in a simple but classy bun. She put some mascara and eyeliner on and decided she was almost ready for the day. The blonde looked at herself in the mirror and then turned around to look at her shelf with all her cosmetic products. The headmistress grabbed her perfume and put it on. She couldn't tell what exactly it smelled like but Misty had made it especially for her and she appreciated that. Now she really was ready for the gathering.

Leaving the bathroom she gazed at her still sleeping girlfriend. To be honest, Misty has not attended Cordelia's morning gatherings even once. She much rather slept a little while longer. Cordelia didn't mind though. The Cajun loved sleeping and the older witch loved watching her sleep.

She walked towards the bed and bent over. She stroked a strain of hair out of Misty's face and placed a soft kiss on her temple. Every time she looked at her lover she realised how lucky she was. Misty was all she had ever wished for. For a couple more seconds she just watched the curly blonde sleep until she grabbed her black heels and tip toed out of the room, barefooted. Cordelia carefully opened the big white door and slipped out of the room, closing the door again. She then put on her shoes and walked down the floor. Sometimes it really bothered the Supreme that the other girls of the academy had her rooms on this floor as well but she just had to bear with it. The house simply was too small for enough space. While she passed through the floor she sensed chattering inside the rooms. At this time of the day everyone was getting ready for the day. Well everyone but Misty. Cordelia walked downstairs, greeting one of her students now and then. It has been like this for months now but the blonde still hasn’t got used to it. Every time she entered a room she got literally everyone's attention. Of course she liked the thought of being respected but she knew she wasn't. Although she was the Supreme after all, her students tended to forget that.

"Good morning, Cordelia," Zoe, who sat at the table, smiled. She was probably the most loyal witch to her in the house, right after Misty of course. The young girl respected her Supreme and she became a slight mother figure to her. Often when something was bothering Zoe she looked for comfort from Cordelia. And Cordelia felt good knowing that there was someone who thought about her like that. Queenie, on the contrary, barely talked privately to the headmistress, but everyone knew that she'd vouch for her.

"Good morning," the elder poured coffee into her mug. Right after that she took a seat next to her council member. Inhaling the scent of the hot liquid she closed her eyes for a moment. "Where's Kyle?" she wondered.

"Asleep. Told him I'd take care of the kitchen this morning. He's been.. up all night.. you know.." the young witch stuttered, blushing. Cordelia, Misty and Queenie were the only ones to know that the two of them were a thing. Kyle was sort of the butler of this Coven. But he was more treated like a friend who just couldn't do magic and so he was doing that. Stuff like bringing drinks and food.

"Oh.." the older one opened her eyes again, turning her head into Zoe's direction. "But yes, I do know. Just lately Misty's falling asleep right after turning off the light. To her, teaching is quite exhausting I guess." And of course Zoe knew about Cordelia and Misty. But in this case, everybody did. At first they tried to hide it from all of the students but they quickly realised that they just can't act like colleagues. The Supreme still remembered the fear she was feeling right before telling everyone. She was scared people wouldn't support her gay relationship or stop respecting her because she was a lesbian. In fact they stopped treating her like the headmistress due to a different event.

Zoe nodded in agreement, silently reminding herself not to talk openly about her own relationship if she wanted to keep it a secret. She looked at Cordelia once again. Something about her seemed different in those past days. She couldn't figure out what it was. Maybe it were the bags under her eyes or the hollow cheeks and cracked lips Cordelia tried to hide in despair. Or maybe it was the fact that she tried to hide something. The girl wasn't stupid she knew the blonde for quite a while now. And she knew something was up with her, something that wasn't just the obvious sleep deprivation.

Cordelia gazed at her watch. Just three more minutes until the morning gathering. She sighed once and finished her coffee. Making a mental note that she really should go see a doctor to get more sleeping pills, she stood up and everything went black for a second. It took her a second to get her act together again. The Supreme felt dizzy, hoping she won't black out any second. Trembling on the inside she carefully walked towards the assembly hall. Something surely felt different about today. She couldn't recall what yet. It was just something bothering her on the inside.

The girls were already waiting for their Supreme to hold the gathering, nobody really interested in what she was saying anyway. It wasn't pledging to their country or any other stuff like that but more Cordelia talking about Salem and the Coven and this wasn't interesting either. Just around fifteen minutes later the headmistress was done with her speech and sent all the girls to class. The morning gathering was her routine, she needed that. Without holding her speech about the Coven and Salem every morning she'd feel like she just forgot about something really important.

Cordelia was glad she didn't get any classes this morning. Standing in front of so many people who didn't seem to like you was quite exhausting. In fact she wanted to use her transmutation to just vanish. The looks and whispers made her feel like back in school. Back in school when she was speaking in front of her class. Everyone was staring and looking, and the worst, they were judging. The blonde wanted to be a great Supreme and headmistress at the same time but she was none. She failed. And that made her heart drop to her stomach every time. She failed the only thing she was supposed to be good at and for her it was just a matter of time until one of them would try to assassinate her.

While she was on her way to her office the witch thought about dying. She didn't know what death felt like but it probably was better than anything she felt right now. And it also was just a matter of time until Misty would break up with her. Until she would reveal that she just felt pity for Cordelia.

She entered her huge office and closed the door. Her office was the only place she had for herself. The rooms she shared with Misty were being shared after all. She never really was on her own as the Cajun could just walk into anything she was doing any second. So the older witch rather spent time alone in her office. She sat down at her office chair and sighed.

Cordelia felt like she doesn't need to get her act together anymore, as if she should just let go. And within seconds tears were streaming down her face.

The blonde couldn't recall when exactly she started feeling like this. It's probably been since forever. She never had been a happy girl. The only source of happiness she had were Myrtle and Misty. But Myrtle got burned at the stake. Moreover it was herself who burnt Myrtle. Of course she just followed a request but still. Cordelia didn't want to feel mad at herself for doing this but she couldn't help herself. At the beginning she spent nights grieving over her sort of mother. She loved Myrtle like a true mother. And now that mother was dead. Couldn't comfort her little bird anymore. When Myrtle died a part of Cordelia died too. The elder was everything to her for years and she hadn’t understood how she could do that to her. The red head should have known that she couldn't just die but she did anyway. The blonde let her mother die and didn't do anything about it but lit the fire. Since that day, as ridiculous as it sounds, Cordelia didn't use her pyrokinesis anymore. She couldn't. Fire triggered the memories of Myrtle. Of killing her.

The blonde had her hands laying on the table and let her tears fall down. She wasn't making any noise. It was a silent cry. A heartbreaking one. Her heart was crying. It was like the rest of her happiness was now streaming down her cheeks. And she didn't want anyone to save her. She was too tired to ask for help. Maybe she didn't even want help. Maybe, she thought, maybe she actually wanted to die. Maybe death wasn't that bad after all. No. The Supreme shook her head once. That was not was she wanted. She just wanted the pain she was feeling internally to end. The pain got unbearable and she didn't know how to handle it anymore. Pain was controlling her life, affecting every movement. This pain was even controlling her thoughts. This pain sometimes didn't even let her kiss Misty. Cordelia needed this pain to end and if death was the only option she would totally go for it. The blonde clenched her fists and dug her fingernails subconsciously deeper and deeper into her skin. For a moment she felt some kind of relive. It hurt but it felt so good. Almost like when she had hit her fists against the tabletop repeatedly yesterday. The pain on her skin let her forget about her pain on the inside, about her sorrow, for a brief moment.

With her right hand she opened the wooden drawer of her desk and took the pencil sharpener into her hands. Her thoughts were being controlled by her pain again so she worked on the thing for a while until she held a cold blade between her fingers. It was so small and looked quite interesting. She never had seen such a thing outside a sharpener. Cordelia didn't even know if it was sharp after all. The tears stopped falling right before she opened the drawer. Now she didn't feel a damn thing. Empty. All the blonde was focussing on was the blade between her fingers. What if it really did help numbing the pain? She would never know if she wouldn't try. Once again Cordelia wasn't able to think about her actions. She put out her hand and placed the sharp part of the blade on her forearm. What if it would hurt? Didn't matter. The Supreme closed her eyes and cut through her skin as fast as possible, letting the blade fall down as soon as she realised what she just did.

"Oh my god..", her voice trembled and she wanted to cry again but couldn't. She had no tears left. Cordelia opened her eyes and looked at the small cut on her forearm. It was really brief and there was barely blood coming out of it. _Oh great I can’t even let myself bleed_ , she thought. She was such a failure. Good for nothing. Couldn't even let her Coven live in peace and kill herself because she couldn't even properly cut herself. Cordelia started to question her existence once again. Fiona was right, she indeed was useless. Misty didn't need her. Nobody did. She deserved the pain. And actually.. actually what she has just done to herself did feel good. Like a relief. She put her pain on the outside.

The skin around the wound started to turn red and felt really warm. Cordelia just watched the small amount of blood on her forearm. She never wanted to look at anything else but her own blood. It calmed her.

_Knock knock._

"Delia? Ya in there?", a voice echoed outside the room.

 _Fuck_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh well I don’t like this chapter but I wouldn’t know how to rewrite it so. Anyway it was quite difficult writing all that down so


	3. Chapter 3

“Shit. Shit. Shit,” Cordelia mumbled to herself, grabbing a tissue and trying to clean up the small cut. She wasn’t prepared for Misty interrupting her. Actually she wasn’t even prepared for hiding it. The blonde pulled down the sleeve of her blouse quickly and just prayed the Cajun wouldn’t notice. Her heart was racing like crazy and she just hoped it won’t jump out of her chest. The last she needed was a worried Misty. “Yes. Yes I’m here,” the straight blonde yelled after a while.  
Cordelia’s eyes looked paralysed at the doorknob, watching it getting pulled down before the door finally opened. And even if she wanted to, she couldn’t put the cold sweated fear she has felt right now into words.

“Why’re ya here? Ya aren’t supposed ta work today.” her girlfriend entered the huge office and clicked her tongue. She walked towards her girlfriend and leaned against the desk, smiling at her, “c’mon, honey.. let’s got. I got somethin’ for ya.” Cordelia just tried to smile while hiding her nervousness. She was concerned that Misty just had to hear her heartbeat.

The Cajun took her hand and helped her to stand up. “Misty I..,” the older witch paused, realising that she actually forgot which day it was. She was so stupid and couldn’t even remember her own anniversary. “I forgot it.. I’m so sorry.. I’m so sorry.. I’m a failure..,” Cordelia whispered, tears filling her brown eyes, “you don’t have to love me anymore..”

Misty put her hands on her girlfriend’s waist and pulled her closer. “I will never stop lovin’ ya, ‘Delia,” she slowly shook her head and leaned forward so their noses touched, “even if I wanted ta. I never could. And don’t talk about yaself like that. Ya’re not a failure. Honestly, I didn’t know perfect exists until I met ya.” The curly blonde pressed a soft kiss to the other one’s lips. She looked deep into her beloved brown eyes and couldn’t help herself but smile. Cordelia instead tried to smile but felt like she was about to cry again every second. Not just because she was sad but more because she couldn’t express her love for her Misty otherwise. “Sometimes I look at ya and I wonder how I got ta be so damn lucky,” the taller one continued, still staring into her lover’s eyes, slowly caressing the skin of her waist which ultimately caused the smaller witch to smile, “one smile can’t change the world, but ya smile changes mine.”

This was all it took for Cordelia’s tears to fall down her cheeks. She stood on her toes and placed her chin on Misty’s shoulder, inhaling the scent of her perfume. She laid her hands on her lovers back and pulled her closer. Every cell in the Supreme’s body wanted to be as close to her as possible. “I got to work.” the headmistress whispered and closed her eyes, not wanting to let go of her girlfriend. Misty had other planes. She picked the smaller one up and carried her bridal style.

“We ain’t gonna work today, ‘Delia. I took care of everythin’. Ya don’t have any classes today either. Just enjoy the day with me, alright?” she smirked and carried her girlfriend out of the office.

Cordelia was a flyweight and Misty used to carry her around every once in a while. She knew the headmistress really didn’t like it but she couldn’t get bothered. In fact, Misty used to carry her upstairs when she came home after a long day of working and meetings. The Cajun loved to spoil her lover, no matter how.

So now the two of them, more or less Cordelia, were walking through the corridors. A few witches whispered and giggled when the couple passed the assembly hall. Three girls form the first year sat on a sofa and did what they loved to do: making disparaging remarks about literally everyone and Cordelia Goode was their main target. Cordelia was used to it. It's happened to her her entire life. She always tried her best so that everyone liked her, but the only person who truly liked.. no loved her, was Misty. Right from the beginning Misty liked and now loved Ms Goode.  
“Oh shut up!” the curly blonde cursed and let the Supreme down so she could stand on her own feet, “we don't care about it.. at all! And just ‘coz ya don't support our lesbian relationship doesn't mean we’ll become straight, okay?! And Ms Goode is ya headmistress, treat her like one!” The whole time she held her girlfriend's hand and pulled her closer. The taller one knew how much the rumours and making fun of her hurt Cordelia and she just couldn't stand seeing her sad.

  
“I.. I'm.. sorry.. Ms Day..” one of the girls stammered fearfully. They never had got punished for their actions by Cordelia and if they did, they didn't care anyway.

“Ya better be.” the Necromancer laid her hand on the older witches cheek and turned her head towards her face. She nodded slowly before she leaned in for a kiss. “She's the love of my life. Bear with it. She's my favourite human bein’ so I will protect her at all cost. If I were ya, I wouldn't mess with me.” The headmistress felt flattered at the words. Misty indeed made her feel safe all the time. Safe and loved.

The taller one picked her lover up once again and carried her out of the academy towards the greenhouse. Cordelia closed her eyes and rested her head against the other ones chest. She didn’t want to think about everyone or anything else but her anniversary. She wasn’t even feeling down anymore. Yet she didn’t remember the wilted carnations nor the cut she’d done to herself a while earlier. Right now it was just Misty and her. The curly blonde carried her inside the greenhouse and Cordelia felt tears welling up in her eyes again.

A huge tea light shaped circle was in the middle of the room, a blanket and a flower vase with some chrysanthemums in it. The brief light of the candles lit up the room. It was all cleaned and Cordelia knew it definitely didn’t look like that last night. “Misty I..” the Supreme wiped away her tears while the Cajun grabbed her waist from behind, “thank you.” Her heart was beating calmly but she had millions of giggling butterflies in her belly. For this moment all her sorrows were forgotten.

“C’mon, ‘Delia,” she giggled and turned around, taking the Supreme’s hand, guiding her towards the blanket, “sit down with me.” Cordelia did as she was told and sat down, Misty next to her. For a brief moment they were sitting in front of each other before the curly blonde pulled her closer and wrapped an arm around her. “Ya know..” she slowly caressed the skin of her girlfriend’s thigh, “when ya first kissed me a year ago.. I never thought ya loved me.. but I loved ya.. and I love ya more and more everyday, ‘Delia. Ya are the love of my life. Ya lost a lot this past year and I know it hasn’t been easy either.. but I want ya ta know that I’m always here for ya. Forever. But ya know what ya deserve? Ya deserve so much better. So many things have happened ta ya whether it’s a shitty marriage, family issues, friends, whatever it is.. ya pulled through. Ya have already made it this far and I’m so proud of ya. Ya truly deserve the world and since no one ever gave that ta ya.. I wanna give it ta ya. Ya deserve all good things in the world and don’t for a second think ya are not worth it ‘coz ya remind me of the sun. Ya might hide sometimes but when ya come back ya are even more beautiful than before.”

Cordelia just felt like crying once again. She never thought that being loved felt that good but Misty proved her otherwise. Misty proved her that even someone like her could be loved unconditionally. She didn’t know how she deserved her girlfriend. Cordelia was quite self conscious and the Cajun knew that. They were each other’s priority.

“I love ya so much, Misty Day.” Cordelia tried to imitate her accent and Misty had to laugh. When Misty laughed the Supreme felt a comforting warmth around her heart and it made her smile too. It was just noon and the younger witch made the older one already feel so good in this time they’ve spent together that day. Cordelia really didn’t know what she would do without her Misty. Misty was so precious to her. “And again.. I am so so sorry for forgetting our anniversary at first, honey. I really am! And.. and I wanted to give you some carnations.. but of course I had to ruin them.. I..” she whispered with a soft voice and looked down at her hands. It hit her again. Everything that made her feel down and the only thing that prevented her from crying was Misty holding her close.

“Hey shhh little bird,” the Necromancer placed a kiss on her lover’s hair, “ya ain’t got ta apologise. Ya know what, ‘Delia? Ya gave me the best gift that ya could ever give me a year ago. Ya love.” She pulled the headmistress closer and rested her forehead against Cordelia’s temple. She truly knew how to cheer her girlfriend up. “It’s all about positivity today” she whispered as if someone could hear.

For a while the two of them were cuddling on the blanket, between all those tea lights in the greenhouse, just enjoying each other’s presence. Misty held Cordelia tight the whole time and kissed her head sometimes. It was a comforting silence. Neither of them felt forced to say something. The silence said it all. Every word coming out of their mouth would just have felt forced. And their love was everything but forced, it was true and honest. Misty was so happy to have some time with her girlfriend alone. She made sure that Queenie, Zoe and Kyle watched that nobody would interrupt them. In fact it was Zoe who helped Misty preparing the greenhouse. She used to tease the even younger witch by saying she was their number one fan but Zoe couldn’t deny it. Furthermore it also was her idea for the couple to celebrate in the greenhouse. After all Cordelia truly loved this place but not as much as she loved Misty.

“I love you because you actually put effort into me. I love you because nobody has ever given me the love that you give me and you are the only one that could ever love me this way. I love you because you always make me feel that I’m worth something. I love you because you make me smile. I love you because you have a huge and honest heart and not a single mean bone in your body. I love you and everything about you. I love you because you are you.” Cordelia turned her head and looked at her lover, pressing a long and passionate kiss to the other ones lips.

Now it was Misty’s turn to start forming tears in her eyes. Her girlfriend wasn’t the type of human who was able to put her feelings into words but she just did. And for the Cajun this was the most beautiful thing she has ever said. “I love ya so damn much, 'Dee.” and with her pulling the “Dee”-card Cordelia knew, that she indeed found the right words. Misty had a lot of pet names for the Supreme but speaking out this one she only did on very special occasions such as this.

The couple kept talking about how happy they have become together and that they want to spend all eternity together. Neither of them realised that the time was passing rapidly. A few hours later they made it to their bedroom. The two of them were laying in their blankets, cuddling. Misty wrapped her arms around Cordelia and rested her hands on her stomach, making the Supreme the little spoon. It was quiet outside the room, in the corridors, and the headmistress was really thankful for that, “you know.. we haven’t done much today besides talking.. and kissing.. but I loved it. Really loved it. Thank you so much, Misty.”

And that night Cordelia didn’t waste any thought about deep things. Nothing mattered besides sleeping next to her Misty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so first of all, this chapter is dedicated to my dear friend Jeanny with whom I’ve become quite close in the past month(s?). So I promised to write a “fluff only” chapter but I’m so bad at writing fluff. This also was more of a filler chapter but I got plenty of ideas for the story so yep. Also the end of the chapter feels so rushed and stuff but I would just have been able to put more dialogue in it and it already had way too much dialogue in it. So I’m sorry for this chapter


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please do not read if self harm upsets you!

_“No! No! I killed her! I killed her with my own hands! It’s all my fault! It’s only my fault! She’s dead and she won’t come back!” a sobbing voice echoed through the hallway. A slim figure sat on the ground, her arms wrapped around her legs, rocking herself back and forth. She sat in the doorframe of her own bedroom, not really realising how loud she’s been screaming. “No! No! No!”_

_Of course this didn’t go unnoticed by the students. It was past midnight so everyone was asleep until that point. Some girls left their room to check what was happening, only to see their headmistress and Supreme causing this noises. “Ms Goode? Are you okay?” Cordelia cut out the voices while she continued crying. Since her beloved mother figure got burnt at the stake, since she burnt her beloved mother figure at the stake, she had quite a lot nightmares. Just something like this has never happened._

This morning right after the morning gathering the headmistress left the academy. Yesterday just reminded her that being happy was much better than the state she was usually in. Right now Cordelia was sitting in her primary care physician’s waiting room to get another prescription for her sleeping pills. She had told her Coven that she has a meeting scheduled with an estate agent. Not even Misty knew that her girlfriend was taking sleeping pills on a regular basis. In fact, the Supreme hated to take pills but since she was sort of forced to take Lorazepam a few months ago she realised that pills actually could help. And now she actually couldn’t sleep without though taking her pills. It was a wonder Misty hadn’t figured that out yet.

“Oh.. Ms Goode” the blonde entered the huge office and looked around although she’s been in there quite a lot already, “I assume you need a new prescription?” Cordelia just nodded, hoping he wouldn’t start asking questions again. She sat down on one of the chairs standing in the room and intertwined her fingers, trying not to seem nervous. Her doctor knew the circumstances only briefly, not much more than anyone else. The witch watched him signing the prescription before handing it to her.

_“This should help you calm your nerves, Ms Goode. Your partner told me what has happened last night.. and I think you should take seeing a psychiatrist into consideration. Your condition is alarming. We all just want the best for you. And remember, do not, under any circumstances, take too much pills. They’re not gonna help that way. Ms Day promised me to take care of you.. and Ms Goode, please let her.”_

“Ms Goode?” his familiar voice brought the headmistress back to reality, “are you alright?” Cordelia couldn’t recall the last few minutes but she knew for sure that she couldn’t remember walking towards the door again. She held her prescription in her hands, close to her chest as if it was something she needed to protect. Once again she just nodded, not feeling up to talk.

Cordelia decided that it was a good idea to just leave and so that was what she did. And right after she got her pills she was on her way to the academy again. Her thoughts wandered around everything and the only thing that caused her heart to beat faster at the moment, was the knowledge that she actually had cut herself. At first she hadn’t believed it this morning. She simply couldn’t. But when she checked her arm, it was all too real again.

And right now? Cordelia wish she knew what exactly she was feeling. Lots of feels twisted around in her stomach but there was just this one main thing that seemed to overtake her mind. Numbness. The blonde thought over the years she got used to the numbness but this was a different kind. It felt much worse. The first time she felt numb was when Fiona hit her as a 7-year-old. The second time was when she got sent away. The third when she found out her husband had been cheating on her. And the fourth was that particular day.

_“Delia! Ya need ta talk to me!” Misty walked around in their bedroom while Cordelia was sitting on their bed, not moving, not even looking at her, “they were worried about ya! I am worried about ya! What’s goin’ on with ya?” The older witch stared at her own hands, shaking. It was the night after her nervous breakdown, after she got her lorazepam. “They told me that ya completely freaked out in front of ya class.. ‘n last night.. 'Dee please,” the Cajun walked towards her girlfriend, kneeling down in front of her. She was really concerned about the Supreme. Something like that has never happened. Of course they had some incidents lately, but that was something else. The young witch laid her hand on Cordelia’s thigh, caressing it carefully. “At least take ya medicine, if ya don’ wanna talk.”_

For a while she just sat in her car and held the steering wheel tightly. Her knuckles already turned white and her whole body was shaking. Luckily nobody was able to see her in the car park. None of them, besides maybe Misty and Zoe, would’ve cared anyway. Cordelia sat like that for a while, not feeling able to return to this building. In the end she decided to return, she didn’t have much of a choice. Her sleeping pills were hidden deep inside of the pocket of her way too expensive trench coat. Misty, and especially not someone else, should ever find out. The Supreme knew any lapse would have fatal repercussions.

Good for her, it was the middle of a lessons when she entered the academy so nobody noticed her return. The swamp witch was currently teaching a class and wouldn’t be done within the next thirty minutes. Plenty of time for Cordelia to waste time thinking about negative things.

And although she knew firstly, all the students were in class and secondly, they probably wouldn’t have bothered anyway. She got rid of her heels and put them into her bag to tiptoe upstairs. She’s been living in this academy for the last twenty years or something, so not even being blind caused a problem for her to get upstairs. This was her home after all. It was so quiet upstairs, almost too quiet. But today Cordelia decided to enjoy this quietness as the thoughts in her head were loud enough.

“Okay” she said to herself as she unlocked her drawer. The headmistress used to tell Misty that she kept her diaries in it and that this was the reason she liked to keep it locked. In fact she hid her pills for months now. The witch wouldn’t call herself an addict but she also was aware that it certainly wasn’t normal to depend on sleeping pills. She slowly put the small orange box with her name on it inside the drawer and gazed at something metallic in there. Her blade. What if it could cure her numbness?

The Supreme breathed heavily and sat down on her bed, trying to focus on just something. Instead, the thought of reliving her pain was just too comfortable to not think about. Cordelia carefully pulled up the sleeve of her right arm and looked at her exposed, soft skin. She always had the perfect skin and now a small, red wound had appeared on her forearm. _No_ , she thought to herself, _it was way too obvious if I would cut my forearm again_. It needed to be her secret. Cordelia could feel her pulse start racing again as she slowly pulled up her skirt. That was a way better place. Nobody besides Misty would pay attention to her thighs and although the Cajun knew her lover’s body but she could just stay dressed in front of her.

_Laughter was all she could hear, people laughing at her. “Oh my god!” a girl yelled loudly, “how can someone like this be our headmistress and Supreme? Can’t even get her own shit together. A cry baby. Why should we listen to what she’s saying, girls?”_

A small tear rolled down her bony cheek and she sobbed once quietly. As if anyone would care what she was doing to herself. With trembling fingers she grabbed the small piece of metal and leaned back against some of her pillows. Not even she cared about herself. Cordelia closed her eyes as the cold blade touched her warm thigh. The Supreme didn’t hesitate when she slit the sharp thing through her skin. When she opened her eyes again she smiled weakly because actual blood was coming out of it. It hurt. But in a very good way. She made it. She succeeded. Cordelia felt good and didn’t close her eyes the next few times the blade cut through her skin, leaving bloody marks on her leg.

She wouldn’t be able to kill herself as Misty could bring her back, but this was quite close to it. The headmistress hadn’t realised yet that every cut she made, took a part of her life, brought her closer to an internal death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so two hours ago I actually was soooo unmotivated to write and now I actually finished a whole chapter. That’s just so me. And I absolutely have no idea how much more chapters this story will have because I got lots of ideas for it. Oh and I hope it was okay this way with the flashback?


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